mass

I had the unpleasant experience of attending the father of my step dad's funeral today. He's catholic and so obviously the funeral was very different to what I participate with but saying that I haven't felt closer to God in a long time than standing looking at the crucifixes, pictures, candles and people there at the service. It was a surreal feeling, somewhat of a longing to reach out and explain to those there about my faith and beliefs. It seemed to neither be the time or place though. Especially when I embarrassed myself my saying, very loudly; "For thine is the kingdom, the power and the glory, forever and ever. Amen"

I'm struggling even more to comprehend the jist to life, death and loneliness. I don't get it. To me this seemed like an expected conclusion to my melted week as Davy was very sick. I don't have much more to say today except life is precious so roll on Foy Vance this weekend!!!!!

melted

so a few people have pointed out to me that i lied at the end of that previous blog about being 'at home in the mission field' but you know, tv presenters have to look ahead in life, and in the long run after my stint at blue peter or mtv, that's where i may end up for a duration of my life. who knows?

anyway, i have had probably the most head melting week to date and the reason?? i have no idea. this blog is purely for my own benefit to see if i understand my own head when it's in front of me on screen. journaling isn't helping as my hand gets sore. melt.

life is great, the best to be exact. my friends are too cool, my family love and support me in my dreams and there's nothing that i physically want in life. i guess i'm frustrated with why i deserve this life of happiness and following God and not one of some kid who's dying from poverty and aids in africa.

i love what our church is doing at the minute. cell last night was brilliant, steve spoke to us and really provoked my thinking. i know that this head melting, being in tension, edgy and rough state of living is what i want because i would be completely bored if i had it all sorted. i came away ready to engage and embrace with the kingdom of god as another way of teaching. (i took notes)

somehow i need to get through to myself that it's the now that matters, when it comes to life, work and boy situations i try to work out what it'll be like in 4 years. where i'll be, what i'll be doing. but i've come to the conclusion that if you live for the now then maybe eventually the now will become the future.. this makes sense in my head. i just can't express it....

how do we remember everyone's names? it's mad. my friend ben is the worst for wrecking my head, he spends alday texting me the most random unanswered questions that leave me thinking alday. i never get anywhere.

this blog is making me look like a complete wierdo but i really am just a simple girl growing up and trying to work out the best way and mind to do so....

britney spears is singing in my head now, i'm not a girl, not yet a woman la la la

the photo above makes me laugh, its me and our receptionist, carlos in tenerife, we must have took a hundred photos of us pulling faces. this one reminds me of being melted. i'm burnt